[This is part 2 of a two part series]
So how did I get to the point where I decided to start this blog? In my last post I described my spiritual history up to the point of around April of this year. My husband and I had joined a Discipleship Community, basically a Sunday school class, where our kids attend preschool and the topic every week always hits close to home. However, joining this class is only one part of the story.
After having my daughter in 2013 I had a feeling in my gut that I wanted to stay home with her. For me this was a very foreign feeling. I had never wanted to stay home. I can admit I was even that person who never understood why someone would want to stay home all day and not have a career. Before having kids it seemed like being a stay at home mom was the easy way out (don’t kill me, I know how incredibly wrong I was). So when I had to go back to work 8 weeks after having my daughter I was torn. My gut was telling me to stay with my baby, but my logical brain was pulling me to go back to work. I even called a friend, who was someone who had desired to be a SAHM before having kids, but decided to be a working mom after having kids, to ask her advice. Ultimately, my husband and I decided I would continue working because we couldn’t afford for me to be a SAHM at that time. The first few days away from her were hard, but I adjusted.
Then a mere 19 months after having my daughter we welcomed my son. We had moved to a new house and my husband had just gotten a new job. I had also just received a raise, which meant I would have a little money left after paying for daycare for two kids. Once again my gut was telling me to stay home, but we went back and forth debating it. I had to go back to work after 8 weeks, but only for 2 weeks until school got out for the summer. We finally made the decision that I would stay home about a month into the summer.
Man was that a rough summer. The lack of sleep (my son was a horrendous sleeper), the transition to staying home, and adjusting to having two kids was very hard for me to deal with all day by myself. I am also pretty sure I was dealing with some undiagnosed postpartum depression. Throughout the next three years I would fluctuate between feeling great about staying at home and feeling like I was wasting my life and feeling unfulfilled.
This summer everything came to a head. I started feeling like I needed to go back to work. I applied to both full and part-time positions with no success. Before staying home I almost always got at least an interview, so it was a big hit to my self esteem. Even though part of me wanted to go back to work it didn’t seem very practical with a 3 yo in preschool and a 5 yo who was probably starting kindergarten (the struggle on whether TK or K was the way to go is an topic for another time haha). I also still had the feeling of wanting to stay home and be there for them. I started looking for part time opportunities both outside the home during preschool hours and part time jobs I could do from home. Again, I wasn’t having much luck going that route. I felt lost, useless, and honestly, like a loser. I wasn’t happy and it was having an effect on my family.
I had lunch with a friend and poured out a lot of what I was feeling and she was supportive. She reminded me to trust my gut and that being a shepard and servant to my family is the greatest calling I can have. A few days later some ladies from our Discipleship Community decided to spend our monthly hangout time attending a local Ember event that was being held at our church. This night was life changing for me. I listened to the speaker, sang the songs, and cried almost the entire time. The tears flowed because I was releasing everything that had built up in me over the past three years. In the middle of the event God spoke to me. He told me to start a blog that would share my journey getting to know him better and my struggles to be a better person, wife, and mom. His voice wasn’t a shout. I didn’t hear someone actually speaking to me. It was just this intense feeling and moment of clarity. The idea just popped into my head with a simultaneous feeling of peace. I immediately felt lighter and happier. I have wanted to start a blog for several years, but always let my fear get in the way. That night I also, let go of the fear that had been holding me back.
As soon as I walked in the door that night I told my husband about the event and what I wanted to do. I was very nervous to share what happened in my soul. After we discussed it he said he would fully support me if I wanted to go down this path instead of getting a part time job and the income that would come along with it.
Since that night I have not thought less of myself for staying home. I have been at peace with my decision and take life one day at a time. I am definitely not perfect and I sometimes still have a thought that I could be doing more. I also still get doubts and fears about the blog. For right now though, I am focusing on this blog, volunteering at my kids’ schools, improving my health, focusing on my mental health, and ignoring all of those negative and fearful thoughts. And guess what? It feels good.